Saturday, November 20, 2010

Martha Stewart Will Not Be Dining With Us

I got this from a friend (Thanks to Melody!), who got it from a friend, who got it from a friend... you get the idea.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.

Friday, November 19, 2010


So, I interviewed this person last night, or rather, she interviewed me...I guess we interviewed each other, ANYWAY, I met with a woman to discuss her bringing her kids to my daycare. The easiest things about this are that I love meeting new people and talking about myself. The hardest things are that I am a terrible first impression judger and I hate rejection. So, I looked this woman over, she is young, blonde, attractive. Slimmer and taller than me (not hard to do) and has an interesting voice (maybe she was catching a cold?).  But, aside from the physical characteristics, I have no idea what she was thinking or if she'll hire me or not. I never can tell anything about people. Nine times out of 10 I'm completely or mostly wrong about someone. Which is funny, because my first impressions of my husband were that he was very good looking but not for me (can anyone say 21 years of marriage?) Many of my close friends I have disliked on sight. So, I have come to think that the worse it went, the better it will go. Weird. Plus, I can never tell whether someone  likes me or not. Mostly I worry that I talked to much. (*a moment of silence to consider that*)  And then, after inviting someone in and talking about myself and my family and my business, they can just up and decide they don't want me near their kids. Huh. So, after listening to me and seeing me, they know that they don't want me. Something about me or my house or my kids was off-putting. It's hard to take. You have to have a strong self esteem and sense of worth. Thankfully, I'm absolutely aware that even though I talk too much, I'm fabulous:) but I still hope she brings her kids...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

This is why I don't watch TV. Last night, I was excited to see the new episode of Biggest Loser. I haven't seen all of them this season, probably about 3 or 4 out of 8 I think. I got all the kids fed their dinner and sat down in front of tv in the kitchen at 7pm.
7:05- Husband wants to know where is the remote for downstairs tv?
7:15- Younger kids have melt down and one ends up in time out with me in kitchen.
7:20-Apparently missing their fallen comrade, other young children join time out child in kitchen bringing toys to cheer him up.
7:25-All children are racing cars around the kitchen complete with deafening sound effects.
7:26- All children kicked out of kitchen along with their cars.
7:27-7:42-Uninterrupted tv watching time.
7:43- Kids come into kitchen wanting to eat pie. Since earlier in the day, I had organized a pie making activity, they had been anxious to taste test the fruits of their labors.
7:44-Several kids eating pie, sharing comments.
7:46-Kids want ice cream on their pie.
7:47-Fight breaks out over pie and ice cream
7:48-Kids decide (after consuming ice cream, yes, it only took 30 sec) that they don't want pie quite as badly as they first thought and want help wrapping pie leftovers in saran wrap.
7:50-Kids kicked out of kitchen again, sans pie.
7:52-Small nephew comes in announcing a diaper emergency
7:53-8:10- Changing EVERYTHING on previously mentioned nephew. It was in fact an emergency.
8:10-8:15- Sterilizing myself.
8:15-8:20 Uninterrupted tv watching
8:20-Child come into kitchen VERY WET
8:20-9:00pm-Clean up  overflowed toilet, clean up kids, clean up self
9:00pm- Biggest Loser is over.