Friday, February 4, 2011

How to Take Kids To Scrapbook Club

This is the first in what I expect will be a series of "how-to's" involving ridiculous amounts of children. If you don't have children, or ridiculous amounts of children, you may consider me a warning. Of what? I'm not sure yet....

So, step 1. Announce in a loud and excited voice that you will all be 'going for a ride!' Children will promptly race out the front door into the freezing cold sans shoes and coats.

Step 2. Herd all children back into the house, hoping that your neighbors do not see you.

Step 3. Start putting on shoes. Start with the baby. She is 18 months old and apparently just learned how to take off shoes. Put her shoes on again. and again. and again.

Step 4. Switch the shoes on all the 4 yr olds feet. They are all on the wrong feet. No one is wearing socks.  Put their socks on, then their shoes. Put shoes back on the baby.

Step 5. Find keys. Good luck.

Step 6. Take the baby, and her shoes out to the van. Open the van with the spare set of keys. Buckle the baby into her carseat and put on her shoes.

Step 7. Go back into the house. Tell 4 yr olds it's time to go. Start out to the van. Stop boy from throwing 'missiles' (aka expensive landscape rocks) at passing neighbors. Stop girl from filling mailbox with grass, dirt, flowers, snow, whatever. Put 4 yr olds into the van, Buckle. Put shoes back on the baby.

Step 8. Go back to house. Start out to van with 2 yr old, but  there's a smell. Change 2 yr old, head out to van. Buckle 2 yr old. Unbuckle 4 yr old who needs to use potty. Crap. They ALL need to go potty. Unbuckle. Back to house.

Step 9. Go potty.

Step 10. Back to van. Buckle everyone, put shoes on baby. Realize you don't have your purse. Back to house.

Step 11. Get purse. Back out to van.

Step 12. Smell a smell. Unbuckle baby and take her in for diaper change. Back out to van.

Step 13. Wonder if you might be in the wrong profession. I mean, how hard can rocket science BE? And it's GOT to be less stressful.

Step 14. How can there even be 14 steps? Even recovery programs for ADDICTIONS only have 12. And you're not even to the stupid Scrapbook club yet. AND you haven't gotten a Pepsi yet.

Step 15. Serve as a warning to others. Eat a donut.


Melody said...

:) And I *know* you are *not* kidding!

Love, love, love your posts! :)

One said...

I think I have 14 steps, and I only have TWO children. I finally started leaving a pair of shoes for each kid in the car -- sandals in the summer, and fuzzy lined boots in the winter, so in a pinch I don't even need socks. It helps, but just a bit. How on earth did our mothers do it?!

gramma said...

Granma,We went shoe or shoeless, coat or coatless, church was the only exception.